Sunday, April 20, 2014

Checking in

I’m sorry you’ve been neglected, little blog.  I’ve thought of you daily but just haven’t been in the right mind frame at the right time to sit down and write. So I’ll make a quick, un-energetic attempt at writing down some bits and pieces so I can clear up some mind space.

Last week wasn’t my best week ever. Due to some computer issues, my work week got off to a late, slow start and I was struggling to keep up all week.  I had to put in some late nights, which made it difficult to get up in the morning. If I don’t get up early, I don’t have time to exercise.  If I don’t exercise, I feel sluggish all day. And if I feel sluggish, I’m unproductive and I get behind in everything.  And then I have to stay up late and the cycle continues the next day.  To sum it all up, I’m blaming my computer for all my problems.

Well, maybe not all of them.  The one year anniversary of Teresa’s death is coming up this week and it’s hardly fair to blame my computer for that.  The sadness is still never very far beneath the surface but the one-year mark brings it bubbling straight back up to the surface and beyond. In some ways, I can hardly believe it’s been a year already; I can remember the details of it like it was a week ago, but at the same time, it feels so long since I’ve seen Teresa or talked to her.  I can’t believe I’ve made it through a whole year without having a conversation with her (I’ve tried, but the conversations tend to be one-sided). She’s been such a big part of my life for as long as I can remember, but especially after she moved and started coming to my school in junior high.  We’ve spent so much time together and had so many experiences together through the years. It feels lonely being the only one left with these memories, and it feels even worse knowing that there will be no new memories made.  Whenever I feel too sorry for myself for losing such a close cousin/friend, I think of her husband and children. It’s not the most successful strategy because it makes me feel even worse, but it shifts the focus away from me.  They’ve been incredibly strong and brave, but I wish so much that they didn’t have to be.

In other unhappy news, my sister-in-law is battling with cancer.  She’s tough and strong, with an amazing sense of humour, a positive attitude and many people cheering her on. I tagged along on one of her radiation treatment appointments last week and was so proud of her.  She was so nice and pleasant to the technicians, laughed a lot and never complained, even though she would definitely have a reason to.  But it’s not an easy time and my heart feels heavy for her and her family.  

I’ll end with some happier things.  It was a full week for children’s activities.  Neve’s dance class ended on Monday, so they did a little performance for the parents.  Neve loves dance and does not exactly shy away from the spotlight, so she gave a spirited performance.  On Tuesday evening, Neve’s school put on a play, in which Neve had a tiny part. I couldn’t understand everything that was going on, but it was fun to see how thrilled and delighted Neve was.  On Saturday morning, Chloe had her final cheer competition of the year, followed by a wind-up banquet in the evening.  They did very well.  I’m relieved that things are winding down; it’s been a busy year of driving kids around.  Fencing, gymnastics, acting and youth are still in session, but at least it’s getting more manageable. By fall, Chloe will (hopefully) have her driver’s license, which will significantly lighten my load.

My mom's annual Easter baskets

I took about 30 pictures of all the nieces/nephews/cousins, and not one was even close to perfect. But I don't mind because it's more realistic.

I love this picture of the cute little girls showing Chloe the Easter eggs they found.

This makes me laugh because they all look so happy but really they were bickering and fighting and somehow managed to suddenly look happy when I snapped the picture.

Hope you all had a happy Easter. Here's hoping for a better week ahead for all of us.


Daniel said...

I've been thinking of you as the anniversary of Teresa's death approaches.

Anonymous said...

Oh Ellen. I am so sad for you. It is so very difficult to want to simply talk to someone and know that it just can't happen. How hard it is to be left behind when someone has to leave us in such a sad way. I send you so many hugs. And I am incredibly sorry to hear your sister in law is fighting cancer. Fucking cancer. One of my parents' dear friends is losing the battle badly. I pray for strength and healing for your SIL.

You ended this post with a perfect picture that made me smile loud (yes, smile loud. I can't laugh because Derrick is sleeping beside me. I'm even trying to type quietly). The thought of them all bickering and then smiling on cue is so funny.

Love and hugs, E.


Anonymous said...

Rough weeks are not easy. (Thank you, Captain Obvious). My heart hurts for you and I don't have words to write without them sounding trite. Know that I am thinking of you and hope that your grief fulfills the role it needs to and lessens every day.