Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Two years

I’m taking a break from the trip updates to mark the second anniversary of Teresa’s death. I’ve been going through a box of old papers and letters and photos recently and have pulled out a stack of letters that Teresa wrote to me when Dale and I were living in PEI and Toronto. It pays to be a pack rat sometimes. I read every one and it felt so good to hear her “voice” again. The letters were so typical Teresa; they made me laugh out loud so many times. I would share them but they possibly contain gossip about you.

The thing about losing someone you’ve known your whole life is that there are so many things to mourn: the past, present and the future. Since going through the letters, I’m definitely in the “past” phase. Also in the box were some old diaries. I was always scared someone would find my diary and read it, so I avoided writing anything remotely personal. Instead I listed the things I had done that day: got 82% on my math test, went to volleyball practice, practiced piano, watched TV. If I had ever been accused of a crime on a specific day, I could have flipped open my diary and had a good solid alibi. Unless the crime was committed at volleyball practice; then I guess I’d have some explaining to do. Anyway, it’s not the most riveting diary ever but one pattern that was obvious was how much time Teresa and I spent together. Every single weekend and sometimes during the week were entries like: Went to Teresa’s and watched two movies. Went shopping at St. Vital with Teresa. Teresa called. Teresa came over. There is very little mention of what we actually did when we were together, but whatever it was, we did a lot of it. That didn’t even include seeing each other at school all day. Besides my immediate family and my cousin Rob, there is no one else that was such a constant presence in my life while growing up. After two years, it still hits me hard to realize everything that’s been lost. I know the experiences and memories are not lost but the good feelings I used to associate with those experiences are now overshadowed by sadness.

There is no "present" with Teresa now and I rarely let myself think about the future without her, so here’s to the past. We had some crazy (undocumented) times, lots of fun, lots of laughter, lots of memories. You will always be close to my heart. I have faith that we’ll see each other again someday and we’ll pick up where we left off. I love you and miss you every single day.


Anonymous said...

Oh Ellen, this made me cry. Missing someone is so overwhelming sometimes. Sending you lots of love. (I originally sent you a hug but then remembered you're not fond of those...Anyway, love is better.)

xo Sio

Anonymous said...

Hey! Thought of you so much on this day and the days surrounding. You are loved!!!